Posts Tagged spouse

By Michelle Vasquez

Everyone wants a happier marriage yet few people know what to do to achieve it. So many times people look to their spouse to “complete” them instead of looking inside themselves to figure out how they can help their relationship thrive. Here are some ideas to get you started on the road to a happier marriage.

1. Overlook your spouse’s faults like you overlook your own. If you are honest with yourself, you will admit you have faults, just as everyone does. If you’re really honest with yourself, you will admit that you often overlook or dismiss your bad habits, while criticizing your spouse’s bad habits. Decide today to go easy on your spouse. Let go of the need to correct his faults and you may find him less critical of yours.

2. Decide what kind of day you want to have, and then create it. Yes, you can do this. A rainy day doesn’t make you have a “bad day.” You decide how to deal with things that are out of your control, like the weather, other people’s driving, your boss’s micromanaging, etc. You can choose misery or you can choose peace of mind.

It begins with what you tell yourself. For example: if it’s raining in the morning you can fret and tell yourself, “This is going to be a terrible day. I’ll get wet, people will drive like maniacs, and I’ll be late for work. This day is ruined.” Guess what? You’re right. Try this instead: “I am grateful for the rain. I’ll leave early for work and I’ll drive carefully. I can put on my favorite music and I’ll choose calm. This is a great day.” Your spouse will thank you when you decide what kind of day to have and her “bad mood” won’t bother you!

3. A kiss on the cheek at an unexpected time can create goodwill. If you have a habit of greeting your spouse with a friendly, “Where were you? Why didn’t you call? You said you were going to be here by 6:00,” take a deep breath and hold that thought. Try this instead: “I’m so glad to see you. How was your day?” then kiss him on the cheek and enjoy the rest of your evening together. Maybe your spouse will think you’ve gone crazy, but it will definitely be a change from the usual evening sparring match.

4. Always greet your spouse with a smile. Remember why you married her and let that warm feeling create your smile. Smiles are contagious; you’re likely to get one back when you practice this. When he calls you, answer the phone with a smile. You will feel differently when you smile and your spouse can hear your smile in your voice.

5. Add to this a bonus. Smiles and hugs go together like salt and pepper. We need human contact with the one we chose to marry. Hugs can melt away resentment and generate compassion. Virginia Satir, one of the key figures in the development of family therapy, declared that we need twelve hugs a day to maintain our mental health. How many hugs are you giving each other each day?

6. Always be the first to say, “I’m sorry,” even if you believe you were right (especially if you believe you are right). When you believe you are right and you’re willing to create distance between you and your spouse to hold onto your “rightness” you damage your relationship. Ask yourself if you want to win the argument or win the relationship. You can’t do both.

7. Make a daily habit of remembering what made you fall in love with him. If you only focus on your partner’s faults, you will quickly “fall out” of love. You can decide to focus on what you like and appreciate your spouse. This is not something to keep to yourself. Appreciate her and tell her. Daily. Appreciation has a wonderful benefit of coming back to you. People will do more for you when they realize you truly appreciate them and what they do.

8. Make blame an obsolete concept. It has no place in your marriage. Blame is so dangerous to the health of your marriage. Blame says you are a victim and your happiness is totally dependent on your spouse doing everything just the way you want it. Choose to take responsibility for what you can control: your own behavior. Before a blaming statement leaves your mouth, ask yourself what you can do to help your marriage.

9. Total honesty is not helpful. Discretion is better. Focusing on the good things you can say to each other is best. I think some people use the phrase “I’m just being honest” to say some pretty ugly things to each other. Sometimes people say they’re being honest, but they are really only expressing their opinion. Before you decide to say that “honest” thing to your spouse, think about how it will impact your relationship. Can you phrase it differently? Does it need to be said? Is it just your opinion? Think about it.

10. Ask yourself, “What can I do today that will bring me closer to the one I married?” Then do it. Keep it simple, using the examples above or creating your own. You have a creative mind and you can make this a daily habit. You will reap the benefits of a closer, happier marriage. Keep up these habits, building on them, and you can create the marriage of your dreams.

About the Author: Michelle E. Vasquez is a Relationship Coach and a Licensed Professional Counselor in San Antonio, TX. For more tips and tools to help you create relationships that bring you joy, visit http://www.michellevasquez.com and sign up for the free newsletter, Relationship Success, while you’re there.

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Permanent Link: http://www.isnare.com/?aid=159869&ca=Marriage

See the original post: Happier Marriage: Ten Tips For Creating The Marriage Of Your Dreams

By James Wallis

The culpability that would accompany such discussions could be disturbing. Although a lot of people and experts might disagree, it is not good to stay in an unstable relationship for the sake of children because a parent’s unhappiness could have adverse effects on children’s well being, much more than divorce could cause.

Hiding the Truth Will Not Help

Children love to see their parents happy as much as parents want their children to be. They might feel that they’re solely responsible for their parent’s happiness. No matter to what extent you might try to hide the issue from them, they would find it out one day or the other. The realisation that they have been the cause for your sacrifice could bring about more harm than just emotional turmoil to them. “We stayed for your well being” would be of no favour.

Experts who’ve dealt with plenty of mature children found the following to be true:

Children of divorced parents who found happiness in their life after their separation, either being single or by entering a new relationship, are said to have grown up happily. Such children seemed to have positive outlook towards life. The reason is simple. They had taken their parents as role model, who have great amount of affection for them and strength to make their own life blissful.

On the contrary, children of parents who stayed in an unhappy married life are the one’s who seem to lack confidence in themselves. Such children grow up to be adults who have a negative notion about love. They either find complexity in expressing their emotions to their beloved or they consider themselves unworthy of love. This might be so because they have grown up watching people who failed in leading a content and joyous life.

Children Would Understand As They Grow Up:

It is almost impossible to find a grown up kid who would want his/her parents to stay in an unhealthy relationship for the excuse of giving him/her a glorious future. No child would like to see its parents staying in a passionless, despondent relationship. All that would result from this is a faked reality that no child would want to go through once they reach the level to analyse and understand such issues.

It is beyond the scope of understanding for children to treat their parents’ divorce in a normal way but once the children enter adulthood and encounter problems regarding relationships, they would look at your problems under a new light. They would realise the amount of pain you experienced being in an unhappy relationship.

When a group of grown up children was asked on how many of them thought it would have been better if their parents had divorced, half of them responded that they preferred their parents were divorced. After separation of parents the emotional scar might take a long time to heal. But they would realise the truth once they begin to face the outer world.

As a parent, your duty is to decide on what is best for your children. Your child might disagree with your decision of separation but think about all those times when your child wanted to do something dangerous and you were firm in your decision to evade your child from doing it. This same attitude should be exhibited while deciding the future of your relationship. Your children might cry and be depressed for sometime but eventually as they grow up, they would start to look at you as people and not only as their parent. They would realise that you did not arrive upon the decision for your selfish motives alone.

It is important to assure them that your separation in no way would take away the love you and your spouse always had for your children. If this is done perfectly, your child would have no difficulty in coping with the new life.

You owe it to your kids to do the best to save your marriage. But if you arrive at a threshold point after which the relationship would not work, then you owe them a separated life from your spouse. They would surely look up to you with pride for what you did someday in the future.

About the Author: James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you would like more information on how to get a quickie Divorce see http://www.quickie-divorce.com

Source: www.isnare.com

Permanent Link: http://www.isnare.com/?aid=177904&ca=Relationships

Read this article: Should You Keep Tolerating A Bad Marriage For The Sake Of The Family?