Posts Tagged separation

By Jed Jones

When a marriage has reached its breaking point, sometimes a trial separation seems like the best option. The grief, the anger, the hurt: you may be asking yourself what relationship could possibly be worth this? However, if you both do still harbor love for one another in your hearts, it may be worth giving your love another chance.

Here are 5 tips for avoiding a trial separation or getting back together if you are in the midst of one now:

Tip #1: Feelings, not recriminations: When you are talking with your spouse, start every statement with, “When you do X, I feel Y. ” This immediately removes the element of blame from the situation and shifts it to what we humans are really about: our feelings and emotions.

Tip #2: Problems, not personalities: When you encounter with your spouse one of your hot button issues – those that make your tempers immediately go through the roof and your patience vanish – try to focus on the problems at hand rather than the specific shortcomings or flaws of the other person. By looking at a problem objectively as something to be examined and studied, you become able to separate how you feel about the other person from the things that are causing you both pain. Only then can you tackle your problem head-on.

Tip #3: Leave the kids out of it: If you have kids with your spouse, do everything in your power to keep them out of your problems with your spouse. Kids often become the victims when parents separate: an unfortunate casualty that can be avoided. Make sure that you explain to your kids that they are not the cause of your separation. And, never, ever give your kids messages to relay to your spouse if you are already separated: your communication with your spouse needs to happen directly between the two of you.

Tip #4: Take ownership of problems rather than placing blame: A problem amongst a fighting couple is like the border between two countries: it is always an integral part of both sides. That is, a problem is never his or her fault. You own your problems together. If your spouse has a serious problem like a drinking, gambling, or cheating, it instantly becomes your problem as well. You both have to find a healthy solution, together. Own your problems as a couple and you can overcome anything.

Tip #5: Agree to take a break from your problems: When couples are trying to avoid a separation by actively working through their problems, they often find themselves falling into the rut of always and only talking about those problems when they are together. The trouble is, by always making our problems the center of our attention, we are actually giving them even more power over our relationships than they deserve. To avoid this vicious cycle, pick certain times to consciously take a break from your problems when you are with your spouse. Go miniature golfing, see a movie, or take a walk, all the while promising that you will put your problems on the back burner for a while and just have some fun.

A marriage trial separation can be heartbreaking for everyone involved. Whether your separation seems to be leading toward divorce or toward reconciliation, you owe it to yourself and your spouse to give your relationship all you have. You just might be able to bring the love back.

About the Author: If you are trying to avoid or end a separation with your spouse and rekindle the love that once made your relationship so special, try some heartwarming advice that has worked for thousands of other married couples at: www.Earth-Matters.com

Source: www.isnare.com

Permanent Link: http://www.isnare.com/?aid=197458&ca=Marriage

Go here to see the original: Marriage Trial Separations – 5 Tips For Saving Your Marriage

By James Wallis

The culpability that would accompany such discussions could be disturbing. Although a lot of people and experts might disagree, it is not good to stay in an unstable relationship for the sake of children because a parent’s unhappiness could have adverse effects on children’s well being, much more than divorce could cause.

Hiding the Truth Will Not Help

Children love to see their parents happy as much as parents want their children to be. They might feel that they’re solely responsible for their parent’s happiness. No matter to what extent you might try to hide the issue from them, they would find it out one day or the other. The realisation that they have been the cause for your sacrifice could bring about more harm than just emotional turmoil to them. “We stayed for your well being” would be of no favour.

Experts who’ve dealt with plenty of mature children found the following to be true:

Children of divorced parents who found happiness in their life after their separation, either being single or by entering a new relationship, are said to have grown up happily. Such children seemed to have positive outlook towards life. The reason is simple. They had taken their parents as role model, who have great amount of affection for them and strength to make their own life blissful.

On the contrary, children of parents who stayed in an unhappy married life are the one’s who seem to lack confidence in themselves. Such children grow up to be adults who have a negative notion about love. They either find complexity in expressing their emotions to their beloved or they consider themselves unworthy of love. This might be so because they have grown up watching people who failed in leading a content and joyous life.

Children Would Understand As They Grow Up:

It is almost impossible to find a grown up kid who would want his/her parents to stay in an unhealthy relationship for the excuse of giving him/her a glorious future. No child would like to see its parents staying in a passionless, despondent relationship. All that would result from this is a faked reality that no child would want to go through once they reach the level to analyse and understand such issues.

It is beyond the scope of understanding for children to treat their parents’ divorce in a normal way but once the children enter adulthood and encounter problems regarding relationships, they would look at your problems under a new light. They would realise the amount of pain you experienced being in an unhappy relationship.

When a group of grown up children was asked on how many of them thought it would have been better if their parents had divorced, half of them responded that they preferred their parents were divorced. After separation of parents the emotional scar might take a long time to heal. But they would realise the truth once they begin to face the outer world.

As a parent, your duty is to decide on what is best for your children. Your child might disagree with your decision of separation but think about all those times when your child wanted to do something dangerous and you were firm in your decision to evade your child from doing it. This same attitude should be exhibited while deciding the future of your relationship. Your children might cry and be depressed for sometime but eventually as they grow up, they would start to look at you as people and not only as their parent. They would realise that you did not arrive upon the decision for your selfish motives alone.

It is important to assure them that your separation in no way would take away the love you and your spouse always had for your children. If this is done perfectly, your child would have no difficulty in coping with the new life.

You owe it to your kids to do the best to save your marriage. But if you arrive at a threshold point after which the relationship would not work, then you owe them a separated life from your spouse. They would surely look up to you with pride for what you did someday in the future.

About the Author: James Walsh is a freelance writer and copy editor. If you would like more information on how to get a quickie Divorce see http://www.quickie-divorce.com

Source: www.isnare.com

Permanent Link: http://www.isnare.com/?aid=177904&ca=Relationships

Read this article: Should You Keep Tolerating A Bad Marriage For The Sake Of The Family?